


The Family Business

by alexhasalotofthoughts (mymindspeakstoofast)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt Sam Winchester, Less than 1000 words, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Sam-Centric, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Triggers, dean isn't really in this, inspired by Jared's speech, mental health, mentally unstable Sam, pained!Sam, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 17:58:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11018610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mymindspeakstoofast/pseuds/alexhasalotofthoughts
Summary: Sam's got issues. He's broken and damaged, both inside and out.Want a taste of how he feels? Continue reading.|| Short & Sweet.  Considering turning this into a fic. Let me know if you'd like that.





	The Family Business

**Author's Note:**

> This really just started off as a drabble of sorts but it kinda spiraled out of me. My mind is a wonderland.~
> 
> If you like it, let me know. I might post some other meaningless rambles. (And if you got a ship, verse or show you want explored, send me a message.)
> 
>  
> 
> Also considering turning this into a fic. Let me know if you'd like that.

Sam was damaged.

 

Everyone knew that. But how much did they know?

He did his best to keep it hidden, naturally. He and his brother were strong, kick ass hunters. Nothing came at them that they couldn't handle. But bruises heal, scars will fade and his body can heal broken bones. 

But what can he do about his head, about all the dead people he sees before he goes to bed? He sees everyone. Every last person he has ever failed. And the list just keeps growing. 

Saving people, the family business? Some good that is. He saves some of them. But the others, they don't even get a chance.

He lies in bed, his head swarming with thoughts. What chance did he actually have? What was the point in any of this anymore? People will continue to die and he can't save them all.

Fuck, he's tried. He tries everyday. But there's always going to be another monster, another victim and another death. And he can't stop trying to save them. 

 

Yet he also can't save them /all/. And when he has to pick between cases, it brings up the question; "Who should I save first? Who will be the collateral? Who will die before I can get to the next case?"

It's an unhealthy thought. Unhealthy lifestyle, even.

 

He's lucky to get three hours of sleep a night. Even then, the nightmares... God, the nightmares are the worst. Sometimes he sees Bobby, sometimes it's John. Maybe Jo or Ellen..

It's worse when he sees Dean or Castiel. Because he /screams/ and they just.. can't hear him. And he wakes up so.. so fucking terrified. He wakes up with a sore throat and his lungs / a c h e /. His chest is heavy with loss and despair, his lungs can't seem to figure out how to work and he feels like he's clouded. Sam can't hear a thing when it happens. It's like his head is underwater and his body is failing. Sam felt worse than death when he first experienced it.

He calls it the darkness. And it doesn't just happen at night anymore. The darkness creeps in just when he thinks it'll be a good day. Just when he thinks he is / safe /.

 

-

The first time the darkness appeared, Dean had broke down his door, gun out. 

"What the hell is going on?!" Dean yelled, doing a complete sweep of the room before running to Sam's side.

"Dean, I- It's nothing. Just a nightmare." Sam had replied.

"A nightmare doesn't do that, Sammy." Dean shook his head, putting his weapon down.

-

 

Those first two weeks, Dean wouldn't stop going through the lore, cleansing Sam's room and performing all sorts of rituals to ward off Alps, Mares/Maras, and Epiales alike. He would also be on stand by as Sam slept, weapons on hand, ready for every and anything.

But when it didn't get better and nothing attacked, Sam forced him away. It wasn't changing anything and it was just draining Dean emotionally.

Sam knows how to control it now. How to force himself awake before he screams.  
It doesn't help the anxiety or the panic attacks..

At least Dean can sleep though.

 

So this is unhealthy. It's toxic and it will drain the literal life out of you. It can make you go insane and want nothing more than to get / out /.

But this is all he knows now. This is all he is destined for. Sam Winchester, cursed by the name.

So yeah.. Saving people, Hunting things..  
It's just the family business... 

 

Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Annnnnnd that's my Sam ramble. Thanks for getting this far! If you like it, leave a comment. If you don't, eh fuck off, it isn't that deep.
> 
>  
> 
> Also considering turning this into a fic. Let me know if you'd like that.
> 
> ** I take requests with consideration


End file.
